September 1st, 2020
SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom has released new guidelines for California's counties looking to reopen their businesses, saying that counties may only begin to lift their lockdowns once a cure for death itself has been found.
"Once we have beaten the last enemy, death itself, we can slowly begin to reopen over a 40-year period," Newsom said at a press conference Tuesday. "Counties that report even one death for any reason will be forced to keep closures in place indefinitely, until we have answered the eternal question of how to reverse aging and ensure no one can die ever."
"We can't be too careful -- we must all cower in fear until death has been conquered."
Newsom says acceptable markers for counties to slowly begin reopening would include discovering a mythical fountain of youth, inventing an immortality serum, or collecting all the Infinity stones to bend reality itself in order to end death itself.
At publishing time, Newsom had clarified that, of course, his own winery would remain open regardless.
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