Child Abuse: The Eternal Excuse For Everything We Choose To Do?

One of the big stories in the Denver area at present is a recent murder of a woman. Her own teen daughter is a suspect. Of course the liberal columnist Diane Carmen for the Denver Post has already decided that the true victim here is not the murdered woman, but the teen. Now that she is dead, the woman can obviously not defend herself against charges that she was an alcoholic. But, of course, the columnist was able to find a forensic psychologist and defense attorney who say that these murder cases are always really about child abuse that was missed by child protection workers.

What, no child has ever grown up in a family where one or more of the parents were alcoholics? Murdering her mother was her only option? When children grow up with alcoholic parents or especially stepparents, they may entertain fantasy thoughts of murder, especially if they see such fantasies acted out on televison shows and movies. But, fantasizing and actually doing it are two very different things, one would hope. More likely, the child decides, "I don't want to be like that when I am an adult!" Granted, it may take that child a little longer to mature, to handle adversity without taking it out on others or oneself. And, sadly, it often happens that the child grows up to make the same choices or worse choices as the parent who abused her! The point is that it is a choice!

How about talking about children who somehow get the idea that whatever they want should be given them? That they should not have to follow any rules, do any chores, handle any responsibilities? I dare say that phenomenon is at least as common as child abuse not dealt with by the system.

Whether they want to or not, parents have to be leaders, and children have to be followers. Being a true leader for your child means correcting your child when they develop erroneous ideas that the world owes them, that they have "rights" to watch whatever televison program they want, or go anywhere they choose to go with whomever they choose to go with. It means risking that your child may get angry at you when you calmly assert yourself as parent, as the one who sets limits and provides structure for the child. Children must be expected to obey reasonable limits, and they must be given consequences when they disobey. Parents must have zero tolerance for disrespect and disobedience. Don't smile and say "Oh, he's all boy," or "She just has a mind of her own."

Renigging on that responsibility is what I see the modern parent doing all too often. And the longer that goes on, the more likely you are to have a child who grows up and feels entitled to act out her anger in whatever way she wants, especially toward a stepparent who dares assert herself as a parent and hold the child accountable.