Monday, May 18, 2020

"a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy."

From the Babylon Bee:
U.S.—With many Americans eager to get back to work, state governors across the country are responding with their plans for giving everyone permission to be normal human beings again. One state governor is enjoying universal acclaim after unveiling his own innovative plan for getting his state reopened.

The new plan is called 'Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace' and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:

Form an exploratory committee to consult various experts on reopening things
Set date to hear recommendations from the exploratory committee
Create a panel of experts to explore the recommendations recommended by the exploratory committee
Build a brand new website to post exploratory committee recommendations for public comment
Discuss feedback from health experts over catered seafood lunch
Wait 4 weeks to see if catered seafood lunch led to any additional COVID infections
Hire commission to gauge the effectiveness of collaboration over catered seafood lunches
Take away all the guns
Announce a 12-phase reopening of the economy, starting with the businesses with the best lobbyists
Begin Phase 1
Form a new committee to review the effectiveness of Phase 1 before moving on to Phase 2
Order drones from China and post them in front of every hair salon
Draft new legislation to allow voting by show of hands over Facebook live
Announce reopening of all golf courses in close proximity to the statehouse
Hold public hearings on the effectiveness of the implementation of Phase 1
Repeat parts 1-15 until all 12 phases are completed
Form an exploratory committee to research alternate food sources now that catered seafood no longer available
Draft legislation allowing people to eat squirrels and possums
Overturn squirrels and possums legislation after animal rights groups protest
Hire animal rights groups to enforce the overturning of the legislation in order to protect squirrels and possums
Introduce tax bill to fund arming all police officers with harpoon guns and spears
Strengthen the security of governors mansion with sniper towers and tiger pits
...Maybe also a moat around the governor’s mansion
More drones from China, maybe bigger ones
Pass new legislation to fund hiring more enforcers to enforce things
Build checkpoints across the state to distribute milk and guzzoline
Create jobs by hiring welders to install armor plating on police cars
(Super-secret surprise to be determined later)
Open the rest of the economy
Gladiator games anyone?
Other states have announced they will wait 10-15 years to judge the effectiveness of this 37 part plan before releasing their own plans. The only exception is Texas, whose governor simply said, "We're open, y'all!"

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