I have obtained a copy of tonight's State of the Union address:
“Thank you, thank you please be seated. You are all starting to look
like the liberal media with all this idolatry. Ok, I am going to keep
this short tonight. Tee off is 6:30am in Pebble Beach and I need enough
time to get to the west coast. (turn head and ask “Does Nancy still have
the jet? That would help a lot”). Before we start I would like to thank
Senate majority leader Harry Reid for helping me to stall a lot of
legislation in the Senate. Thank you to Vice President Biden for his
gaffes which allows Fox News to focus on him for a while. And a special
“thank you” to Speaker Boehner for single handedly solving the worlds’
water problems with all those tears (wait for laughter to die down).
Since I have been elected President in 2008 I have been hard at work
for you, the American people. In fact, sleep is at a premium these days
because I have been working tirelessly pandering to union bosses to make
sure my campaign donations don’t dry up. In three short years as your
Commander in Chief we have accomplished many things for the citizens of
this once great nation and most particularly for the middle class.
Our debt and deficits are at dangerous levels…they are too low. How
can we possibly look to restrain the size of government intervention in
your lives if we continue to have people demanding for government to
live within its means. That’s why we haven’t passed a budget in 1,000
days….to give overpaid bureaucrats the much needed freedom to continue
spending on their favorite pet projects like teaching shrimp to run on a
treadmill or counting the number of male prostitutes in Vietnam or
putting poems in zoos. These are the things that put Americans back to
work. These are the spending projects that the middle class is
demanding.
We have killed the Keystone XL Pipeline which would have brought oil
from Canada to our refineries in Texas and Louisiana. We did this for
two major reasons: one, strategically we wanted China to get this oil so
they can continue to import cheap products to the U.S. so the Chinese
will have the money to loan us, and, two, as your President I want oil
prices to stay high so traveling for you would be too expensive. Middle
class families would then be forced to stay home and cook dinner and
watch T.V. This is all part of Michelle’s “Keeping The Family Together
Energy Dependence Plan”. It will work. Just give it some time and it
will show the same fruits as our stimulus plan. Who do the Canadian’s
think they are anyway? It’s not like they are a staunch ally of ours
like my good friend Hugo Chavez in Venezuela.
And finally we will continue to focus on education. Tonight I am
rolling out my new “Occupy The Classroom” initiative. This will allow
students to go to college under a special grant that never has to be
re-paid as long as you tell us in good faith that you are trying to find
work after you obtain your degree. If you cannot find work within 10
years, the federal government will erase the debt.
When I took office I said this would be the most
transparent administration in history and I have kept that promise.
During my campaign I told everyone that would listen what I would do
when President. Did you really expect for me to govern from the center?
So, in closing, I will say this…and let me be clear…class warfare
benefits everyone…redistribution of wealth benefits everyone…reckless
government spending benefits everyone. Let’s continue to prey on the
uninformed and together, we will finish our transition to a bankrupt
European nation.
God bless you and God bless the United Socialist States of America! (slowly back away and don’t trip over teleprompter)
P.S. Don’t forget to take our online poll: “What are you most afraid
of happening in 2012?”…. Barack Obama getting re-elected or the world
coming to an end on Dec. 21st? Cast your vote HERE
via http://governmentgonewild.org/stateofunionaddress
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