Saturday, January 22, 2011

Are you a wimp? Bully? Polite and Powerful?

How are you on positively confronting other people? I've been wondering about myself in that area. I have been proud of myself for not allowing self-pity to get a foothold in my life over this past year. However, I wonder if in accomplishing that, I may have inadvertantly become a wimp. I take abuse, avoid resentment and retaliation, keep a positive attitude and practice kindness toward others, but in taking the abuse, I wonder if I am becoming a wimp.

Barbara Pachter has written a book on the subject, entitled The Power of Positive Confrontation.. She advocates that we learn how to be polite and powerful. I've got the polite part down, but I don't think I am very powerful. Do you sometimes want to just whack the other person? Well, Ms. Pachter advocates we WAC them, instead.

The "W" stands for what. What are you upset about? What do you want from the other person? What do you want to say? She advocates that we take the time to write down those "whats." Preparing allows us to be specific. Writing it down is just for our use, not to give the written thing to the other. It allows us to describe the behaviors that are upsetting us. In doing so, we are advised by Ms. Pachter to avoid harsh words, avoid exaggerating, avoid "you" statements, unless they are descriptive, rather than accusatory, use softening statements that show the other person you are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

The "A" stands for asking. Clearly define what you want, then ask the person. The "C" stands for checking in with the other person. Ask, "Can you do that? or "Okay?" Come across in a way that communicates, "I'm confident we can find a solution." It is important to avoid self-discounting language, and, of course, the other extreme of screaming and yelling. I'll have more to write about this important subject later.

1 comment:

Terri Wagner said...

Good luck. There's an old saying that's still true: squeakest wheel gets the grease. And yes you can do it in a polite but powerful way. I learned this great truth being a bill collector of all things.