"We must reopen as soon as possible -- before they regain their ability to have independent thoughts,"

From the Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Teachers at government schools have raised their concerns that the recent closure of their institutions will have a damaging effect on students. In particular, the nation's educators are worried that the longer the schools are closed, the more likely it is that students will begin thinking for themselves, learn life skills away from the government school system, and realize how much more they learn at home.

"We must reopen as soon as possible -- before they regain their ability to have independent thoughts," said New York 4th-grade teacher Ms. Jenny Mudd. "This is an urgent crisis. We realize we have to do our part to prevent the spread of the virus, but we must also prevent the spread of unapproved ideas. There's a balance there."

"Reopen the schools before it is too late."

Sure enough, studies have already shown a strong correlation between everyone being homeschooled and a concerning spike in independent thought. Students who have been away from the government school system for even a week stop feeling depressed and anxious all the time and even show a shocking increase in the ability to form thoughts and ideas not approved by the government.

Teachers have further pointed out that parents aren't properly equipped to indoctrinate their children with government propaganda. "I went to school for eight years to be able to do this," said Portland kindergarten teacher Ms. Pinkerton. "Parents just don't have the experience of stuffing kids' heads full of a statist worldview seven hours a day like I do."