"Sentenced to an additional 20 years for disparaging Comatose-Americans"

More satire from IMAO:

Zuckerberg Buys Alcatraz Island to House Violators of New Facebook Hate

You can bet these guys will never compliment Chick-Fil-A in public again.


MENLO PARK (AP) – As part of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s plan to have the most aggressive anti-hate speech policy on social media, the billionaire entrepreneur purchased the entire island of Alcatraz, including its prison facilities, with the intention of housing policy violators there.
Zuckerberg explained his decision to finally put some much needed “teeth” into a policy that is often just words and air on other platforms.

“Facebook opposes hate speech,” said Zuckerberg. “Also hate agents, hate statements, hate signals, hate ideologies, hate entities, hate symbols, hate slogans, hate paraphernalia, and neutral statements about the aforementioned hate items. However, until now, all we’ve been able to do is deplatform violators. But then they just go to Gab and go right on hate-speeching, because the stupid government won’t let us control everyone’s speech even though it’d be best for everyone.”

“Then I thought, well, they sure couldn’t do what they wanted if they were in prison. Epiphany! I’ll just buy a prison and put all the people I don’t like in it.”

But where to find a prison? Zuckerberg considered several possibilities. The first of which, a penal colony on Devil’s Island, had recently been taken off the market after being purchased by a former prisoner who’d turned it into a butterfly sanctuary.

Second choice was Gitmo, but after brief consideration, Zuckerberg decided against it.

“Gitmo is already full of falsely accused victims of racism,” Zuckerberg said, “and I didn’t want to traumatize them by putting a bunch of alt-righties in their midst. I couldn’t risk them getting hate-speeched. Which is just like waterboarding, except with words instead of water. They’d probably call it ‘wordboarding.'”

“Finally, though, I decided on Alcatraz,” said Zuckerberg. “San Fran didn’t want to sell because it’s the only place in the Bay area that’s not hip deep in homeless people, but I just shoveled more cash into the back of the ol’ money truck. That did the trick. Man! California politicians just loooove their money!”

Alcatraz’s first inmate of the Facebook era – an unrepentant thug known on the street as “Tiny Tim” – protested the injustice of his 20-year sentence.

“All I said was I hate eggplants. I’m five years old! I hate ALL vegetables!”

As of this writing, Tim had been sentenced to an additional 20 years for disparaging Comatose-Americans.