Sand Castles in the Air

"It is one thing for people to build sand castles in the air, but it is quite another for them to live in them!" Those are the words a foster parent used to describe the unrealistic advice she was getting from the social worker assigned by the foster care agency to manage the case of the child who was placed in her home. Social workers, anxious to be accorded status in the community, may describe themselves as "clinicians," hoping that the public will somehow connect them with the unquestioned authority enjoyed by the medical profession. In fact, when it comes to foster parenting, the knowledge base of the social work professon sometimes is little more than sand castles in the air.

Foster parents are generally people who have had success raising their own children. Success meant having high expectations of their children, and the children living up to or surpassing those expectations. Social workers working in child abuse or neglect settings are often people who have never been parents. When they teach the foster parents how to become "therapeutic" foster parents, they often teach them not to do the things that made them successful with their own children! When the foster parent tries to discipline a child by holding him accountable for his deeds, the social worker says, "no, no, no,: try to understand the underlying reason why the child misbehaved! Help him to understand his feelings."

So Billy is angry that his mother has missed six visits in a row, and then she finally shows up as if nothing had happened. Billy then comes home and expresses his rage at this outrageous behavior of his mom by hitting the dog or biting a foster sibling. What he needs at that point is a CONSEQUENCE strong enough to make him think twice before hurting some animal or person the next time he feels angry!

The social worker, however, cautions the foster parent never to raise her voice in anger at a child. What if the foster child is hurting a baby? I'll answer that one for you. You say the name of the offending child, and then follow ugently with the word NO! or, STOP! You let the child know that you say what you mean, and mean what you say, and you do not plan to keep repeating yourself to someone who chooses to ignore or openly defy you. If he cannot handle the freedom, he will have to lose it for a while, and then earn it back.

While foster parents are supposed to lower their expectations of the child, the system may have incredibly low expectations of the child's birthparents. Basically all they have to do in many cases is show up for visits, not abuse the child during the visits, then show up for court.

If someone has a different point of view than the "clinical" social worker, the social worker may proceed to analyze free of charge why there must be something in the person's personal history that explains why they lack the wisdom of the all-knowing social worker. This condescending attitude is hated by foster parents, and especially by adolescent foster children. We had a twelve-year-old girl, who was placed in our home after her mother died from overdosing on illegal drugs and alcohol. After she had been with us for a while, I asked the child what her experience had been with social workers, since she had been in seven different foster homes while waiting for the system to decide on her future. Her answer? "Caseworkers just mess with my life. They are unwanted strangers barging into my life. I don't like any of them. None of them really took the time to get to know me." This sad statement came from a child who was truly worth getting to know. Fortunately, a wonderful, dependable family with a solid rural American lifestyle, came forth, made several visits to our house, and adopted this young lady.