Thursday, January 30, 2014

Tips for surviving the post-Apocalptic world we now live in

Did you know that we are already in the post-Apocalypse age? As usual, Manhattan Infidel is the first to report the story, and to give us some survival tips:
Toni Tennille, one half of the singing duo of The Captain and Tennille, best known for their hit single, “Love Will Keep Us Together” has announced that she is seeking a divorce from the Captain, her husband of 39 years.

The Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel has been expecting this news for some time now. As the social fabric of this once great nation continues to unravel the divorce of the Captain and Tennille can only mean that the last strands of civilization left are gone.

Loyalty. Tradition. Custom. Morality. These are words from a bygone age. And now that we have officially entered the post-apocalyptic world I will give my readers a few tips on how to survive.

Trust no one.

But Manhattan Infidel, you say, I have friends. I have family. I have a spouse. Surely I can rely on them?

Civilization has broken down and you still cling to this? The only way to survive the post-Captain and Tennille divorce apocalypse is to kill or be killed. Find a weapon. A knife. A shovel. A gun if you can find one (which might be hard with all the gun control laws). A cat. A blowtorch. Cherish your new-found weapon. Keep it close to you. And when the post-apocalyptic hordes come for your stuff, deal a quick, brutal, lethal blow. Then eat their brains.

His other tips for survival involved using the internet sparingly, mud, and rudimentary lathes. He also has some tips for what to do if you see Toni Tennille.

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