Our New Normals

Guest post by Suzann Darnall

Yes, I did actually mean “normals”, not “normal”. ‘Cause if my husband, Pete, and I have learned anything along this journey as we deal with his cancer, it is that everything changes and changes and then, changes again. There is not really any normal, just life as we know it that is in constant flux.

It is a good thing my calendar for scheduling is no longer on paper but is in my iPhone, iPad, and iMac. This not only allows for easy changes without making a page unreadable, but it is accessible from my iPhone, iPad, and iMac, making updates possible whether I am home, away, shopping, resting, or at the hospital. Even standing weekly events are subject to change at a moment’s notice . . . on a pretty regular basis nowadays.

One of my new normals is being less focused on politics and more focused on personals. While I am appalled by much of what is going on in our country, I am too exhausted to adequately react with essays. I make occasional short posts online and then get back to caring for Pete. Not only am I physically tired, I am spiritually and mentally tapped out sometimes. The infanticide abortion law and celebration have made me heartsick, but I do not have the resources right now to address the issue fully. I cannot go down that dark
trail since we are already navigating an ofttimes bleak path of our own with Pete’s cancer and its effects on daily life.

Old normal usually meant a Friday date night. Pete and I would go out to dinner, a movies, or do something fun. New normal means our Friday date is at Brooke Army Medical Center. Starts early in the morning with labs and vitals. Then, we do lunch in one of the many eating establishments available inside the hospital. The big event is when Pete has to get his chemotherapy infusion. We sometimes have a little variety if there is need for a doctor’s appointment. We often end the BAMC time with a stop by one or more of the pharmacies to pick up his meds for the coming week or month.

It was quite exciting that yesterday we actually did go out for dinner after our day at BAMC. A nice steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse. Time to visit with a friend who works there. A small bit of what normal used to be on a regular basis. Another new normal is how very precious Pete and I count those bits of old normal that crop up from time to time.

I keep daily schedule sheets so I can track Pete’s meds, treatments, meals, snacks, and such. That way we do not miss anything in the course of what is always a very busy day, even when just hanging out at home. These schedules are on paper. I do updates periodically and print out a small stack of what is the current routine. Which then promptly changes to a new current routine. These sheets do get very messy. But, not unreadable, ‘cause I do all alterations in pencil and can erase to make new changes.

While it is hard sometimes to embrace change, especially changes that are less than optimal, it can be done. Not that all changes should be accepted without a fight. Full-term abortions should be fought tooth and toenail. But, helping your beloved through the battle against cancer entails changes you should make room for in your life. In my mind, the fight against abortion and the fight against cancer are both battles against death. I am willing to fight death for the unborn babies and for my husband. I just do not have enough strength to battle them both equally right now. So, please excuse me while I concentrate on my husband and mention the poor little lost children when I have a few moments to spare. It is not that the babies are not important, it is just that my husband is presently more important to me. I don’t make laws, but I do make him comfortable. And, while I am not a lawmaker, I am doing pretty good as a caretaker. His caretaker.

Another of my new normals. A new title to add to my list of honors and jobs. Wife, mother, grandmother, zookeeper, quilter, writer, and now, caretaker. Of course, the new normal of caretaker uses many of my skills from some of my old normals of wife, mother, and others. Cook, nurse, chauffeur, laundry mistress, and much more. Pete tells me that he could not go through this without me to help him.

That is another new normal. Pete being in need. He has always been so strong and so independent. Cancer is no respecter of persons. It makes everyone vulnerable. Not just the patients. The caretakers, the family, the friends. Even our Great Dane, Blue, is negatively affected. His best play buddy, Pete, does not always have the energy for a good game of “squeaker” which is sorta kinda like keepaway meets fetch meets tag. Plus, Blue is devastated when Pete goes in the hospital and I come home without him.

But, even amidst all the new normals, there are a few old standbys that seem to be holding firm. Daily prayers. Daily scriptures. Hugs-n-kisses. Counting our blessings. Being oh so very much in love with one another. This are our normal normals and I hope for them to ever be so.

One normal is not new, but not always in use. It is our adult daughters and their families stepping up to the plate, once again, to help Mom and Dad with some hard times. We cannot express enough how this old normal means so much to us.

Even more,
there are some new normals that have turned out to be treasures amidst the trials. Blue has changed his behavior in small ways that accommodate Pete’s needs. Pete and I have bonded even more than we ever imagined possible. Our discussions touch more often on the spiritual and the eternal perspective. I think both of us are kinder and gentler with each other. We are both more aware of the needs of those around us battling disease and loss.

Do I wish we were not taking this journey down a path that involves new normals every day? YES!!! Most emphatically, yes! But, am I willing to endure each and every new normal if it means we are progressing towards making Pete better? Again, most emphatically, yes!