Sane parenting

Ann Voskamp has some words today for us parents who sometimes have to say no to our teenagers.

I know there feels like there’s only one of you. The you right now. The one who Feels All The Things.

But believe the impossible things, because it’s true: There are two of you, really.

The Short-Term You —- and the Long-Term You. The Now-You — and The Becoming You.

The Immediate You. And the Ultimate You.

And if I only loved the right now Immediate You —- and let The Immediate You come and go and do whatever she wanted, whatever made her Feel All The Good Things, whatever made her happiest, I wouldn’t be loving the Ultimate You.

Please hear what All The Parents finally figure out, what I finally realize my own mama was saying:

This isn’t fun for me.

There isn’t one fibre in my soft, pulsing mama heart that likes seeing the Short-Term Immediate You Hurt.

But I love the Long-Term Ultimate You too wide and deep and long — the you that can ultimately be —- that I’m willing to take the ire and anger of your Immediate Self right now.

I’m willing to take your anger and your eye rolls and feel the sting of it all on the soft insides of my mother heart. I’m willing to let my own Immediate Me hurt with your Immediate You — us both hurting together —- because I love the Ultimate You and am committed to the Ultimate You and I won’t sell out the long-term Ultimate You.

Sometimes the short-term Immediate You cannot have what she wants — so that the long-term Ultimate You can be who she wants to be.

Sometimes the short-term Immediate You won’t feel loved —- because this is about ultimately loving the long-term Ultimate You.

Sometimes the short-term Immediate You can’t have immediate gratification — so you can give the long-term Ultimate You what you ultimately want.

There are two of you — the Immediate You. And the Ultimate You. Who are you going to ultimately focus on?

So when I told you all that the other day?

When I put my hand on your shoulder and you bit your lip hard to dam everything back?

When I told you that this is what a mother does —- Though it kills me to see Immediate You hurting, I ultimately love the Ultimate You. 

Something burned, filled, my throat, and I felt my own dam give way a bit.

Because there’s this Father, our Father.

Because all of us have things in front of us that are hard and they hurt.

You and I both have this Father and it literally killed Him to see us hurting —- and I need to believe it:

When my own Short-Term Immediate Self is hurting, my Father’s hurting with me.

When my short-term Immediate Self is hurting, my Father’s ultimately hurting with me and ultimately healing me and ultimately remaking me and ultimately loving my long-term Ultimate Self.

“His love letter forever silences any doubts: “His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory” (1 Corinthians 2:7 NEB).

He means to rename us—to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes.

From the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, God’s secret purpose in everything— our return to our full glory.” ( One Thousand Gifts )

Your Father can’t ever do anything other than love our long-term Ultimate Self, the one He’s secretly working everything to bring to full glory.

He can’t do anything less than want our Ultimate Self to be it’s ultimate best.

So when you turned from the window, the phone still there in your hand, turned that bruised shoulder of yours and looked in my eyes, looked to see if you could trust me and this ultimate love that doesn’t feel even one iota like love?

I cupped your face and looked right into your pooling eyes and in that moment, more than any other moment, I felt the burning believing of it with you, I believed with you in the unbelievable impossible—

And you can find your Father’s very words rolling right there off the tip of your tongue, feel the tender grace of it right there on your lips:

Just Trust Me.

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