On purpose?

"He can't be satirized!"

From the Babylon Bee:

The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don't work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It's in the Proverbs somewhere.

That's why we're announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of time and effort writing satire.

We at The Babylon Bee realized we were spending all this time trying to satirize Joe Biden when, frankly, he just can't be satirized. He's doing all the hard work for us with statements like "You ain't black!" and, of gun violence, that "150 million people have been killed since 2007."

Every day is a real grind when we arrive at the sprawling Babylon Bee headquarters, settle in on our throne of Chick-fil-A sandwiches, and boot up the ol' PC to check what Biden said over the past 24 hours. We're tired of trying to out-parody things like "I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun and the kids used to reach in the pool and rub my leg down and watch the hair come back up again" and "Corn Pop was a bad dude."

Like, what do you do with that? Seriously. Go ahead. Try to satirize it. Anything you do just doesn't have that perfect mix of absurdity and reality that makes satire work so effective at communicating truth. So we're throwing in the towel.

We'd also like to take this opportunity to thank Joe Biden for being such a great satirical performance artist. You're the real hero, Joe. The people really need comedy in a time like this, and you're doing a great job. Keep it up!

Finally, laugh at these hilarious Babylon Bee headlines from our new best satirist, Joe Biden:

Biden: 'Poor Kids Are Just As Bright As White Kids'
Joe Biden Says All Men And Women Are Created By You Know The Thing
Presidential Candidate Nibbles On His Wife's Fingers
Joe Biden: 'I'm Going To Beat Joe Biden'
'Go To Joe 30330' Says Joe
Biden Tells Campaign Rally 'We Choose Truth Over Facts'
Joe Biden Calls Iowa Man 'Fat' And A '[FLOWERBED] Liar'
You can look forward to lots more content coming from your new favorite Babylon Bee writer any moment now.

"Snopes Recommends Shutting Down Internet To Prevent Spread Of Satire"

From the Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In a statement issued by Snopes' editorial board, the fact-checking website recommended that the entire internet be shut down so as to prevent the spread of potentially dangerous jokes.

The fact-checker has tried to control the spread of jokes and satire with simple notices that articles are false but is now saying that isn't enough.

Snopes published a recent study that showed that shutting the internet down would stop the spread of jokes, humor, and satire. It is not known how long the internet would need to be shut down, but the study suggested a minimum of several months would be required.

"Everyone must quarantine away from the internet so that 'humor' and 'jokes' and 'satire' don't continue to spread around the country," said a spokesperson. "Should the internet stay up, we'll continue to run the risk that someone might laugh at a joke or read a satirical article and not know that it isn't true. We can't sleep at night until we know that all humor is dead."

"It's the only way to be sure."

Some people warned that this might have negative side effects. Snopes has sent out the thought police to take these people into one of its state-of-the-art reeducation camps.

The lady has seven kids. How would she find time to do the job?

Here is another good one from the satirical Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress are outraged by President Trump’s “sexist”
refusal to nominate their least favorite Supreme Court hopeful, Judge Amy Coney Barrett.

“Oh, we totally would have blocked her,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). “I mean,
besides being a right-wing nutjob, the lady has seven kids. How would she find time to do the job? Even so, the fact that Trump turned her down shows how much of a misogynist he really is.”

In the two weeks leading up to Trump’s announcement, Senate Democrats maintained a vicious PR campaign against Barrett, warning that her nomination would be the end of women’s rights.

Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA) sent a memo to her constituents last week:

Dear Californians,

I urge you to take to the streets in protest of the potential Supreme Court nomination of
Amy Coney Barrett. Let the Trump administration know that we will not stand for a
justice who is literally—literally—on the record saying she respects the constitution. How
dangerous. The Americans who survive this nomination will be living in a Handmaid’s
Tale in less than a year. Mark my words.

Sincerely,
Kamala

On Monday evening, Senator Harris sent an additional memo:

Dear Californians,

Shocker—Trump nominates a white male to the Supreme Court, obviously dismissing
the only female nominee because of her gender. I urge you to take to the streets in
protest of the clear discrimination demonstrated by the denial of the nomination of a
woman to the Supreme Court. How could he? We’re in a living hell.

Sincerely,
Kamala

As of Tuesday, feminist protesters in D.C. have exchanged their “#BLOCKAMY” signs for signs that read, “SEE? TRUMP HATES WOMEN.”

"Potentially a crime could have been committed, if we find something out that we don't know now!"

Scott Adams tries some media satire.

Read more here.

"I don't like guys who let themselves get nailed to a cross"

S. Wood reports at the Free Wood Post,

Most of us already knew that Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump was already a narcissistic egomaniac, but what he recently said at a town hall event in Iowa may have officially crossed the line.

While speaking to a crowd in Cedar Falls, Iowa, Trump was again boasting how he is going to magically, without any policy ideas, “make America great again.” In the past he’s said that things under his leadership would be the “best ever” and somehow “save” America from the brink of whatever he thinks is wrong, but while ranting and raving about himself, he seems to have compared himself to Jesus. Not only that, he insinuated that he’s actually better than Jesus.

“You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna make America great again. You know how I’m gonna do it? I’m gonna get the best people, only the greatest. I’m gonna save our country. I’m gonna save this nation like nothings been saved before. I’m gonna save this nation like Jesus saved Christians. Except, I’ll be able to save you without some silly cross. I don’t like guys who let themselves get nailed to a cross. Real saviors don’t need crosses, they need know-how. And know-how is what you’ll get with President Trump.”

When I read this post, I was actually believing Trump said these things. Can't you just hear him? Then I realized it is a satirical blog. One that I will add to my blogroll right now!

Is satire being rendered superfluous?

Chateau Heartiste writes about satire:

Good satire pushes the envelope and flirts with absurdity. What happens when all the envelopes have been pushed over a cliff and the absurd becomes the new normal, enforced just like healthy social norms of yore? We’re about to find out! Satirists are standing by… wondering if their craft has been rendered superfluous.

Read more here.

Utopia coming soon to a city near you

The importance of satire to freedom and liberty

Kudos to the Drudge Report for providing us with the cartoon that enraged Islamic terrorists, who planned and carried out the attack in Paris yesterday. Here is the cartoon.

Anybody know how to translate it into English? Every news source in the free world should publish the cartoon.

The French magazine Charlie Hebdo, which was targeted yesterday by Islamist terrorists, sounds similar to our The Onion. Ivan Plis writes that the magazine has a long history of mocking religions.

The magazine also posted a cartoon of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to its Twitter feed earlier today.

The magazine has also been critical of France’s Catholic-aligned political right, often expressed through parodies of Jesus, Mary, the pope and other Catholic figures. Last week’s cover promised “The True Story of Baby Jesus,” based on infancy narratives from outside the Biblical canon. In the cartoon, the holy infant appears in a flash between the legs of his mother, spread apart as if in gynecologist’s stirrups.

I'm sure it is just a matter of time before Christian terrorists open fire on the magazine. Wait, maybe not. That may be one difference between Christianity and Islam: Christian terrorists confine themselves to blowing up abortion clinics.

One of the cartoonists killed on Wednesday, known professionally as “Charb,” had said that the magazine’s goal was to make “Islam as banal as Catholicism,” so it is acceptable to scrutinize and ridicule it.

Charb (Stéphane Charbonnier) had been under police protection ever since appearing on a “wanted” list in Inspire, the digital magazine of al-Qaida in the Arabian Peninsula. He was famously quoted during the 2012 controversy as saying “I would rather die standing than live kneeling.” Besides Charb, three other cartoonists were reportedly killed in Wednesday’s attack.

Maybe a concealed carry permit would have been more effective than police protection?

Most interpretations of Islam prohibit any depiction of Muhammad, and many Muslim-majority countries have laws against “defamation of religion.”

I might add that those laws don't seem to prohibit defamation of Christianity or Judaism, now do they?

The shooters shouted “Allahu akbar” and “The prophet is avenged” while carrying out their attack. Terror analysts also noted that they made a one-finger hand gesture, signifying Islam’s emphasis of God’s oneness, that is often featured in propaganda videos of the Islamic State terror group.

Read more here.

One thing this story makes clear to me is that I should continue to place high value on American sources of satire, such as Manhattan Infidel, Scrappleface, Iowahawk, and The Onion.

Area dad gives rebuttal to Obama's State of the Union

The Onion reports

PHILADELPHIA—Reiterating numerous themes from last year’s rebuttal while offering several searing critiques of tonight’s speech, area dad Bill Shaw delivered his official response to President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address tonight directly into the television screen, household sources reported. “Well, there you go, folks—same canned lines we’ve been hearing for the last two years with a couple of empty nods to the little guy, just how I said it would be,” the area father of two said, squaring his body toward the front of the family room and looking directly into the television set as he delivered his impassioned thoughts on the issues of immigration, health care, the middle class, China, that holier-than-thou look Obama always has on his face, and the Toyota Prius.

Scientists confirm Al Gore's warnings

Spring officially arrives next week, so scientists are warning that oceans could soon be rising. The Onion has the story:

Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration sounded a strong warning about rising seas Monday, saying that ocean levels around the world are projected to increase by 12 inches or more should a bunch of people go swimming at the same time. “According to our latest analysis, an increase in global mean sea level of several inches is inevitable at this point given the approach of summer beach season, when millions of people will simultaneously go for a swim,” said oceanographer Paul Acosta at a press conference, adding that the increase could be “significantly higher” than currently predicted if lots of beachgoers choose to hold their breath and go under all the way. “Coastal cities and low-lying islands are the most vulnerable to rising sea levels, particularly if it’s not just kids who go for a dip, but full-grown adults as well. Our best hope now is moderating the rise as much as we can by convincing people to only wade in up to their waists.” Acosta also warned about the devastating possibilities of catastrophic tsunamis should everyone jump into the ocean together from a dock or off the side of a boat.

Dietary habits of the average American family

More and more information is coming out about problems associated with fast food. The Onion interviewed one mother of three children to find out how these new revelations are affecting her family.

“Hey, I’d love for my children to be eating perfect five-dollar florets of broccoli and fresh-caught fish from a fancy organic grocer, but the closest one of those stores is four towns away and, after paying for a roof over my kids’ heads and keeping the water flowing in our home, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our food budget might not be quite big enough to feed me seven nights a week, let alone three growing kids. So I can’t say these hard new truths about fast food have really been a deal-breaker for my family’s dietary habits.” Ford added that she would definitely sit right down and intently watch the full documentary the minute she had a few hours free from her 75-hour workweek and around-the-clock parenting duties.

He that believeth in me, shall not be audited by the IRS.

Speaking of satire, Manhatten Infidel has written The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part VII).

What will 2017 be like?

Victor Davis Hanson has written a devilishly appropriate satire on the Obama presidency. How would the media react if a new right wing president, someone named Bucky Brewster, was elected in 2016, and was a mirror image of our present left wing president?

On the increasing tensions in the world, Brewster exclaims: “Do you have any idea of what I inherited from my predecessor — slashed defense forces, a broke treasury, allies estranged, enemies emboldened, chaos in Iraq, Syria, and Libya, appeasement with a now nuclear Iran, and Putin playing Stalin?”

This is satire at its very best!

The Pope may be Catholic!

Manhattan Infidel writes that the media has discovered that Pope Francis is a Catholic.

Sources say the news of the Pope’s Catholicism first broke when a reporter for CNN went to interview Francis and witnessed him saying Mass.

There was this procession and it looked like they were all walking behind someone carrying two tire irons. I asked what it was and someone said “Pope Francis is walking behind a cross.” Cross? I didn’t even know he was angry. Then he started to elevate something and I asked what he was doing. I was told he was elevating the host. I thought that meant he was promoting Jimmy Falon. But they told me it was the body and blood of Christ. It was then that I first realized that Pope Francis was a Catholic. I felt so disgusted. I had to run out and vomit in the street.

Time Magazine's managing editor was furious:

Sources say the news of the Pope’s Catholicism first broke when a reporter for CNN went to interview Francis and witnessed him saying Mass.

There was this procession and it looked like they were all walking behind someone carrying two tire irons. I asked what it was and someone said “Pope Francis is walking behind a cross.” Cross? I didn’t even know he was angry. Then he started to elevate something and I asked what he was doing. I was told he was elevating the host. I thought that meant he was promoting Jimmy Falon. But they told me it was the body and blood of Christ. It was then that I first realized that Pope Francis was a Catholic. I felt so disgusted. I had to run out and vomit in the street.

The miracles of redistribution

Today's Scripture is found at Manhattan Infidel. Here is an excerpt:

And Barack did say: If you like your wine, you can keep your wine. But really, water is much greener. We didn’t have to kill grapes to make it.

This beginning of the miracles of redistribution Barack did in Georgetown; and manifested his socialist glory, and the mainstream media did believe in him.

And the pasch of the Jews was at hand, and Barack did not call the Israeli prime minister though he did call for a two-state solution.

And he found in the Capitol them that called themselves “teabaggers” who believed in limited government.

And when he made, as it were, a scourge of little cords, he drove the teabaggers out of the Capitol building and the Constitution he did overthrow.

And to the teabaggers he said: Make not America a place of limited government with low taxes.

And his disciples in the mainstream media remembered that is is written: The zeal of socialist redistribution hath consumed me.

The teabaggers answered, and said to him: What sign dost thou show us, and where do you get the authority to unilaterally declare which laws will be followed and which not?

Barack answered, and said unto them: Thou art stupid. Destroy the Constitution and in three days I will write a better one, for I am a constitutional scholar.

Exclusive!

The best interviewer in the media has gotten an exclusive interview with Chris Christie about Bridgegate. Manhattan Infidel also gets the help of three surprise guests, but I'm afraid it is still up to us readers to try to decide who is telling the truth.

Hating homosexuals for the right reason

Speaking of satire, let's check in with Manhatten Infidel, who has another exclusive: a special message from A&E Television Network. An excerpt:

Though just between us you can ignore the PSAs. We’re only airing them because we’re afraid of GLAAD. We’re almost as afraid of them as we are of losing our profits from this redneck show that Americans, stupid people that they are, seem to love.

Also, we at A&E would like to reiterate that we do not hold Phil Robertson’s viewpoint on homosexuality. For the most part. We hate homosexuals too, but for the right reason: They charge too much when redecorating our summer homes in the Hamptons.

Dave Barry's review of 2013

Dave Barry is out with his review of 2013. Some excerpts:
September:

Just when it seems as if there is no good way out of the Syria mess, help miraculously arrives in the form of our generous old friends the Russians, who, despite being longtime allies of Syria, are willing to lend us a helping hand without any thought of benefiting themselves. Under their plan, Assad gets to remain in power but must give up his chemical weapons and go back to killing people in a more humane, less Hitlerish way. With the crisis averted, everybody in Washington heaves a sigh of relief, and that is the last we hear about the crisis in Syria.

October: The federal government, in an unthinkable development that we cannot even think about, partially shuts down. The result is a catastrophe of near-sequester proportions. Within hours wolves are roaming the streets of major U.S. cities, and bacteria the size of mature salmon are openly cavorting in the nation’s water supply. In the Midwest, thousands of cows, no longer supervised by the Department of Agriculture, spontaneously explode. Yellowstone National Park — ALL of it — is stolen. In some areas gravity stops working altogether, forcing people to tie themselves to trees so they won’t float away. With the nation virtually defenseless, the Bermudan army invades the East Coast, within hours capturing Delaware and most of New Jersey.

November: Public dissatisfaction with Obamacare continues to grow as many Americans discover that their current insurance plans are being canceled. A frustrated and — it goes without saying — surprised President Obama reveals to the nation that “insurance is complicated to buy” and clarifies that when he said “if you like your plan, you can keep your plan,” he was using “you” in the sense of “not necessarily you personally.” Observers note that the White House has stopped referring to the program as “Obamacare” and is now calling it by the more formal legal name “George W. Bush.”

December: In other retail news, Jeff Bezos reveals that Amazon is experimenting with a system that would deliver parcels weighing up to five pounds via drones; heavier packages would be delivered via surplus World War II howitzers. Some observers express concerns about this concept, but it gets a rare five-star rating from The Washington Post.

Another exclusive interview interrupted

Manhatten Infidel was all set to interview Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty, when two vile creatures from MSNBC interrupted. Wouldn't you know it?