Saturday, August 05, 2017

Stand up and resist the evil of the free market!

Satirical blog The People's Cube reports,
In the latest effort at genocide by President Trump, the worst Republican since Hitler, US Senators may face loss of their subsidized health coverage. Mr. Trump ominously tweeted in a manner reminiscent of Hitler, “If a new HealthCare Bill is not approved quickly, BAILOUTS for Insurance Companies and BAILOUTS for Members of Congress will end very soon!”

If Trump makes good on this threat, women and minorities will be hardest hit according to a report by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. CBO accountant, Fred “Nonpartisan” Phelps commented, “Our figures estimate that if Trump follows through with this extreme proposal, 1.5 million senators will die every minute. That’s 2,160,000,000 senators each day. The first to go will be women and minority Democrats, along with moderate transgender Republicans. The math is positively chilling.”

Congresswoman Maxine Waters agreed. “What he said,” she said.

Glowering darkly over his trademark reading glasses, Senator Chuck Schumer warned, “If the president refuses to make the cost-sharing reduction payments, every expert agrees that premiums will go up and health care will be more expensive for millions of Americans. The president ought to stop playing politics with people’s lives and health care, start leading and finally begin acting presidential.

While the Schumer quote sounds as though he were actually concerned for other Americans, researchers at the nonpartisan People’s Cube, America’s most equal and most trusted news source, have found out differently. Through our contacts with anonymous sources and current and former officials, The People’s Cube has acquired the Schumer Translation Device, or STD, which accurately decodes statements by the New York senator.

Once run through the STD, we get the actual Schumer quote, “If the president refuses to cave like a good Republican, and cuts off the low insurance rates we legislated for ourselves, every member of my staff agrees that premiums will go up for them and I will actually have to pay for my own health care as if I was one of the little people! This is outrageous! I am a senator! I am your god! The president ought to acknowledge our superior status, do as he’s told, and finally begin acting like sniveling Republicans have for decades.”

Whatever Schumer meant to say, however, is irrelevant. Leading intellectual senators like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren all agree that if anything other than their agenda becomes law, everybody will die every 15 seconds, and that would be unconscionable.

Will you join us at the People’s Cube as we stand with our oppressed senators? Should our elected officials really have to obey the laws they lovingly impose on the rest of us? Isn’t it a privilege, yea, a patriotic duty to pay for the health care of our dear elected leaders while we proudly endure doublings and quadruplings of our own health care premiums?

Stand up and fight for the privileges of our betters! Stand up and resist the evil of the free market! Stand up and resist affordable health care! Stand up and resist Trump!

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