How does loving others change us?

Stephen Post asks some questions about love.

Is there a definition of love that most of us can connect with from experience? A half century ago, psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan of the University of Chicago offered one that may come closest: “When the happiness, security, and well-being of another person is as real or more to you than your own, you love that person.” Love is grounded in meaning and inclines us to action. When we love others, then, we feel that their happiness, security, and well-being matter to us greatly, and we act accordingly.

Love manifests itself in different ways, all of which are necessary and useful. If love is the hub of a wheel, its spokes point outwards according to the needs of the beloved. There are at least ten modulations or forms that love takes. Celebration is love affirming the lives and achievements of others; Helping is love lifting burdens for others; Forgiveness is love in response to contrition; Carefrontation (confrontation being such a limited word) is love standing against destructive behaviors; Humor is love uplifting and reframing in mirthful lightness; Respect is love “looking twice” (re-spectare) at the views of others; Attentive listening is love focused on the other’s narrative without distraction or interruption; Compassion is love aware of suffering and responding to it with depth; Loyalty is love sticking with others in their hard times; Creativity is love making gifts for others. (See Why Good Things Happen to Good People).

How does love change us? Post can think of seven ways we are changed when we extend love to others.

First, when so engaged we are freed from preoccupation with the self and its problems, with rumination, and with other destructive emotions.

Second, life becomes interesting. Selfishness is boring. When we seek the happiness, security, and well-being of another in creative love the world becomes full and engaging.

Third, loving others gives us a reason to develop our gifts.

Fourth, we make deeper friendships.

Fifth, loving others is a source of hope because as active agents we use our strengths to make a difference in the life of another, and we can therefore have greater confidence in shaping the future. This is an active hope, rather than the passive variety that just waits for a surprise.

Sixth, loving others is a source of joy.

Seventh, loving others, so long as one also cares for the self and its limits both physical and psychological, is associated with self-reported physical health (see Altruism and Health).

Mr. Post ends his essay by asking two questions for us to think about:

1. Does love of others change us only when we are motivated by generous emotions?

If so, can we simply engage in helping others as an external activity and expect that kindly emotions will follow along, at least for most of us?

2. Does the love of others change us most powerfully when we are doing so with a sense of divine presence and expectation?

For example, in AA does helping others help the helper even more when the helper feels deeply connected to a Higher Power?