A firm, conditional "No"

Scott Ott has a satirical piece on what would it take for Mitt Romney to make a third run for president in 2016:

Pressed to list the kinds of “circumstances” which might trigger a change of heart, Romney said, “Well, these are such one-in-a-million long-shots that it’s hardly worth discussing, but let’s say I learned that one of the leading GOP candidates got indicted, or…

just couldn’t escape the shadow of his isolationist libertarian father, or
were soft on gun rights, or
actually hugged Obama just before election day in 2012, or
had no previous political experience, or
had thinning hair, or
lost his Senate seat by 18 points, or
had parents born in India or Cuba, or
had leaned toward amnesty for illegal immigrants, or
was related by blood to George W. Bush, or
swelled up like a blowfish since his last campaign, or
used even more hair product than I do.

“That’s what it would take,” Romney said. “Really far out stuff. But, otherwise, the answer is still ‘No’. And that’s a firm conditional ‘No’.”

Read more here.