Defiance

Ann Voskamp linked to a piece written by Tonia at her blog, Study in Brown. Here is a photo of the author and some ducklings.

Were you always the one pushing forward?

Couldn't wait to get out of junior high, couldn't wait to be done with high school, couldn't wait to get married, to have a baby, to get them out of diapers, to quit having to buckle up car seats, to have a clean house, to not have to go to so many soccer practices, to have a quiet dinner for once. You pushed your way through so much time...so much time.

But let's be honest, life didn't let you get away with all that hurry-up-efficiency for long, did it? You learned, you really did. You saw the way the years were beginning to spin and you paid attention. You found out the hard way that the good times - when all your ducks were in a smiling row - were going to slip away from you like whispers, but the bad times, oh they would stretch and pull and make you ache with the weight of every hour. So you learned: slow it all down, make the margins wider, enter into the sacred everyday, take nothing for granted.

Eventually, you learned you could make quiet spaces in the hard days too, carving out tiny moments to sit at the table and let the memory of those peaceful hours inspire you, strengthen you. One day, you thought, nothing will shake me. And even though increasingly, your life could not be controlled - it lashed about and roared like a hurricane - you just went on making beautiful moments, lighting candles, buying flowers, dressing up, writing letters, making meals, making love (in all its forms), reading poetry, taking pictures, creating memories.

It's sheer defiance, you told a friend.

And it was.